单薄/浅显/模板化？一篇有血有肉的PS长什么样？

I once attended a course of a high-functioning autistic child, who never raised his hand to answer questions. After the course, I was curious about autistic children's behavioral characteristics, which is why I want to learn psychology.

原文从参加一个高功能自闭症孩子随班就读的课程入手说明「我」对于心理学的兴趣起源，经历太过单薄，说服力不够。

After：

He sat silently with his head down, which seemed incongruous among the students who actively raised their hands for an opportunity to answer the teacher’s question.【场景描写】

Although I had learnt about autistic children’s social impairments as a psychology major, this scene convulsed my soul deeply. Based on the teacher’s description, the school had actually taken some measures to help such children adapt to their schooling life quickly, which, however, had little effect.【学校确实采取了一些措施让这些孩子能快速适应学习生活，但没有什么效果】

I am hence eager to explore the needs and characteristics of children with different educational, behavioral, and social adjustment disabilities so that I am able to contribute to the improvement of China’s psychological education for children.【「我」想要了解不同教育，行为及社会适应障碍儿童的需求及特点】

Fulfilling this aspiration calls for new knowledge reservoir so as to support my long-term career development in this domain, motivating me to apply for XX programme without hesitation.

修改后的PS的开头句描写了这个自闭症孩子与其他学生格格不入的场景，让「我」深感震撼。增加的细节有：虽然学校确实采取了一些措施让这些孩子适应学习生活，但这些措施没有多少效果；「我」想要了解不同教育，行为及社会适应障碍儿童的需求及特点。相比原文中“想要了解自闭症儿童的行为特点和眼中的世界”来说，这样的细节会让学生的申请动机更有说服力。

02 缺乏深度思考 vs 自我成长+目标项目

Before：

Last year, I joined the ByteDance College Students VLOGER Project. During this period, I built the overall framework of video creation and added interactive topics to increase the interaction activity with the audience. Such an experience greatly improved my ability in producing short videos.

原文只是简单地罗列「我」做的所有事情，缺乏细节支撑和深度思考，让文章显得枯燥无味。

After：

Last year, I actively signed up for the ByteDance College Students VLOGER Project to accumulate practical experience in short video production. Initially, due to my unfamiliarity with Tiktok big data algorithms and the law of packaging and producing videos, the videos I elaborately made achieved unsatisfactory effects. 【由于不熟悉抖音大数据算法和和视频包装制作规律，「我」做的视频效果平平】

Not deterred by this challenge, I initiatively consulted the instructor. Under his guidance, I generalized the video rules and packaging methods of hundreds of similar bloggers and classified the creative logic of each popular video one by one.【为解决这个问题作出的努力】

In this process, I noticed that producing a popular short video needs more fast, efficient, and eye-catching audio-visual language, as well as grounded, amiable, and vivid labels and characters. 【总结了爆款视频的特点】

Through the following systematic training and continuous trials, I succeeded in hatching three short video accounts and two WeChat public accounts, on which there were more than one million hits. 【最后取得了不错的成果】

Through this experience, I garnered a sophisticated understanding of the operation logic of social media platforms and grasped short video production skills, which will surely facilitate my learning of your courses such as Social Media Marketing and Content Production. 【总结学到了XX知识和技能，对于将来学习研究生的XX和XX课程有帮助】

修改后的PS将重点放在「我」在短视频制作上遇到的困难，解决方法和取得的成绩。尤其是，最后总结了「我」学到的XX知识和技能对于研究生阶段学习XX和XX课程很有帮助，这样的写法可以把经历和目标项目紧密相连。

03 模板化套路化 vs 针对性写作

Before：

Bristol, ranked 61st in the world in the QS World University Rankings 2023, attracts me for its world-class teaching and research excellence. In addition, to become a TESOL teacher, I believe it is important to pursue a higher degree in English teaching. Therefore, I believe that Bristol’s MSc in TESOL will teach me the knowledge that meets my expectations.

原文的why school没有含金量的内容，换一个学校和项目同样适用。

After：

To become a qualified TESOL teacher, I regard it as a necessity to acquire more professional theories and practical experience in English teaching, especially in second language learning, research methodologies, and curriculum design. 【尤其想要学习二语学习，研究方法和课程设计】

To this end, I am sure that Bristol’s MSc in TESOL, with courses like Research Methods in Language Education, Second Language Learning, and Pedagogy and Curriculum for Language Education, will equip me with advanced expertise that accords with my expectations. 【罗列了具体的课程】

What further distinguishes this program from others is its diverse and seasoned faculty members who attract me for their work and research experiences in frontier areas. I am particularly interested in Dr Robert Sharples’s research, focusing on how mobile learners learn the additional languages they need to succeed and how schools and education systems can work more effectively with mobile, multilingual young people. As far as I know, ethnic minority students in Yunnan Province in 2022 account for 31.25%. Besides their ethnic languages and the Chinese language, they also need to learn English as a second language. Therefore, it is my aspiration to explore how these students can learn an additional language more efficiently under Dr Robert Sharples’s guidance. Such studies will provide me with a broader understanding of how English is taught to people who speak different first languages.【列举了一位感兴趣的教授的研究方向】

修改后的PS增加了想要具体学习的内容，感兴趣的教授的研究方向，同时也描写了自己相关的发现，这样的细节描述可以增加why school部分的可信度。此外，why school部分也可以补充一些感兴趣的课程，这些课程对于实现自己的职业规划，未来发展的重要性。当然，在官网上搜索一些该项目的特色，如workshop, industry links, 校友网络等，把这些特色和自己的职业发展联系起来也是不错的选择。