My interest in film appreciation started during my freshman year after watching the US and Chinese film versions of Letter from an Unknown Woman...【电影鉴赏：研究中外两版《一个陌生女人的来信》】 Jia Zhangke's Platform particularly impressed me with its focus on self-expression and influenced my film aesthetics...【自我表达：贾樟柯的《站台》】 In today's world, where thinking patterns and aesthetics are becoming rigid and dominated by entertainment and consumerism, the depth and richness of self-expression in the Chinese film industry have declined...【批判思维：中国当代电影娱乐至死的现象】 I was honored to participate in the China Entertainment Innovation Summit, gaining a better understanding of China's film industrialization system...【行业理解：参加电影峰会】

After：

I watched Jia Zhangke's Platform in my eighth, the age of the most carefree and worry-free. Despite not fully comprehending the themes of youth and obscure life, the film left a lasting impact on me with its strong emotions.【8岁初看贾樟柯的《站台》：尽管未能深入理解内涵，但对其细腻的情感表达印象深刻】 Upon re-watching it as an adult, I was deeply inspired by Jia's films to believe in the potential of film as a medium for self-expression and capturing society.【长大后重看《站台》：深刻理解贾樟柯通过电影表达的个体生命和深刻思想】 This belief has shaped my life and led me to study film. I am eager to delve deeper into the techniques and styles that make film such a powerful tool for exploring individual life in a diverse cultural environment.【引申到对个人职业发展的影响】

原文花费大量篇幅描述「我」做研究、看电影、参加研讨会，致力于从多方面展现「我」与电影的深入交集既要突出影视鉴赏、人文关怀，又要强调自我表达、美学素养，还想证明自己有批判性精神……但却显得机器空洞、泛泛而谈。这是因为想要描写的太多，每一个「面」都有涉及，但其中的「点」没有深挖，就会使文章空有议论而缺乏实证。

因此，修改后的PS删去了原文中过多事例，紧扣「电影自我表达」的点，讲述「我」小时候和长大后两次观看贾樟柯《站台》的不同感受，体现「我」在电影研究这条道路上前进和探索的过程和不断成长的思想深度。英文删减了原素材中的许多内容，仅仅选择了贾导的电影启蒙和自我表达，但信息量依然不显得单薄。原因是在上述基础上加入了一条时间线，塑造了「我」的人设：通过对比「我」小时候和长大后看《站台》的不同心境和思考，一方面体现「我」在电影研究这条道路上前进和探索的过程，另一方面展现「我」的思想深度随着时间推移而不断成长。同时，「我」的研究兴趣和职业规划也通过这一段进行强调，后面无论内容和立足点怎么写都不会脱离这个范畴。

方法二、由「表」及「里」，深入剖析所申请专业的理解和价值，而不是列举表面现象

Before：

I have a deep interest in the diverse range of sounds in our world.【开头略嫌老套】 Although I temporarily stepped away from my musical interests during my college years, my passion for sound and music never faded. When I listen to music, I contemplate the various instruments and vocals that come out of the speakers, and I'm curious about why different brands of keyboards produce different tapping sounds, or why every car outside has a unique engine sound. 【列举声学存在的表面现象：音响、键盘、引擎……会显得比较肤浅、外行】This curiosity is what drew me to the field of acoustics.

After：

My hearing is sensitive, which has made me keenly attuned to the impact of sound in my daily life. From the nuances of speech to the cacophony of a busy street, I have always been intrigued by how sound works and how it affects our lives. 【兴趣最初的起源：对声音产生的原理十分好奇】What reinvigorated my love for acoustics was the story of a newborn who was able to hear her mother's voice for the first time through a cochlear implant. 【重点事例激发兴趣：听障的新生儿通过人工耳蜗第一次听到母亲和外界的声音】This was a poignant reminder of the significant impact that acoustics have on our lives and its ability to transform people's experiences through sound. It solidified my resolve to have a career in this field.【结合专业的社会价值阐述深入学习的决心】

原文是一篇跨专业申请声学技术研究的个人陈述，然而开篇列举的音乐播放器、键盘声音、汽车引擎轰鸣等等，都仅仅在列举声学的「表面现象」，不仅显得冗杂繁多，还缺乏对其应用的深入认知和了解。这会使得文书永远停留在「兴趣」的表层，无法让读者信服「我」是真的主动了解这个方向。

修改后的文书首先将原文中提及到的「声学表象」做了概括，从自身出发：「我」天生对声音十分敏感，能敏锐地感知到声音对日程生活的影响，对声音如何影响生活方式十分感兴趣；其次，在这个基础上增加了一个「声音影响生活方式」的真实案例：先天性听力障碍的女婴在助听器帮助下第一次听见妈妈的声音。这个案例是典型的利用声学技术服务于现实生活，比空泛地讲述音箱发声更让人印象深刻，情感更加真实。接下来，作者就可以继续阐述这种兴趣如何加深自己对声学领域的了解，从声音传播的原理到声学材料设计，继而引出如何深刻影响自己的个人发展和职业目标。以这样逐步深入、由表及里的逻辑，「我」的申请动机就显得真情实感、一目了然了。

方法三、由「一般」到「独特」，突出个人的特殊经历、视角、技能、需求

Before：

I am deeply passionate about education and the impact it can have on individuals and communities. Growing up, I witnessed the power of education in transforming the lives of those around me, and I was inspired to pursue a career in this field.【列举教育的普适性价值：教育改变生活】 Education has the ability to break down barriers and level the playing field for all individuals, regardless of their background or circumstances. I am committed to being a part of this positive change by working towards creating inclusive and equitable learning environments that empower and inspire students to reach their full potential.【教育打破障碍，公平竞争】 I believe that education is not just about imparting knowledge, but also about fostering critical thinking, creativity, and a love for lifelong learning.【教育培养批判性思维和创造力】 I am eager to contribute my skills and passion to this field and make a positive difference in the lives of those I work with.

After：

In summer 2019, after finishing the College Entrance Examination, I started a short-term middle school volunteer teaching in my hometown. 【以高考后短期支教的独特经历为出发点】The transition from being a junior high school student to a Chinese teacher was a fresh and exhilarating experience. However, the sense of responsibility that came with the role soon overshadowed everything else. For the first time, I experienced the pure and profound connection between teachers and students, as described by Han Yu in his writing On Teaching centuries ago: "Teachers, therefore, preach, teach, and dispel doubts."【引用韩愈的《师说》：“师者，所以传道授业解惑者也。”】This volunteer teaching experience marked a pivotal moment in my life and solidified my dream of pursuing a fulfilling career in education.

原文处处强调教育的重要作用，例如改变生活、创造公平、培养能力等等，实际上是在讲所有人都明白的大道理，即「正确的废话」，没有将其与「我」自身的经历结合起来，因此显得浮于表面、缺乏独特性和记忆点。

修改后的PS选取了「我」在高考结束后这个关键时刻的一个故事，将这段支教经历和「我」在过程中的心态变化结合起来，阐述了「我」对韩愈《师说》的深刻认知，突出了教育从业者「传道、授业、解惑」的社会责任和使命感。这样写的好处是，通过分享某个特定时刻的个人事例，让读者有种身临其境的画面感，并且「讲故事」永远比「讲道理」更容易让人印象深刻。基于「我」自己的经历，一定是难忘的、独特的、生动的、有说服力的，能够给招生官留下持久的印象。